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I have to admit, when I found out I was pregnant for the second time, I never thought it would happen that fast! Honestly, I did not think I was actually ready; it happened so soon after we made the decision to try for baby No. 2. Unfortunately, that pregnancy was terminated around 11 weeks later — just as I was getting used to and comfortable with the idea of becoming a mom of two, the dream was over.
Suffering the loss of a child at any stage is devastating for parents. A miscarriage brings special emotions and feelings of grief before even meeting the baby, and coping with that is not easy. Each mother will go through the grief process in her own way, and when moving through that and deciding what to do next, the decision will ultimately be clouded by the recent experience and loss.
Fear, anxiety, dread, confusion — these are all normal emotions of grief, especially after experiencing loss. It is especially hard when others ask you, “How’s the pregnancy?” or “When are you due again?” Well-meaning family members and friends might not know how to respond when you share the news, and you might not know how to even begin that conversation.
If you are in a stage of deciding what to do next and find that you are hesitating to try again for another pregnancy, you are not alone. What you have experienced would shape anyone’s decisions. Here are some ways to move past the hesitation, should you decide to try to conceive again.
Accept what you went through
Acceptance is something that sounds much easier than it is. Regardless of whether your miscarriage was one week into finding out you were expecting or 30 weeks, the loss deserves some time to process. Your physician will probably take necessary steps to help you physically. They may be able to determine the cause, or they might suggest options to help with the success rate of the next pregnancy. A therapist visit could also be a good idea to deal with the mental healing you might need.
Honor the loss
The original milestones of that pregnancy will come around and might hit you hard. When the due date for my child popped up on my phone calendar, I realized I needed a sick day from work. I had forgotten it was coming up, and until that notification, I did not know the weight of how that loss had affected our lives. We were planning and making decisions to be a family of four, but we were still a family of three.
When the due date for my child popped up on my phone calendar, I realized I needed a sick day from work.
Decide what you will do next on your own timeline
There is no rule on what to do next. Just as you independently decided it was time to try for the baby that you lost, it’s up to you to decide if and when you want to try again, if you want to go a different route to motherhood, or if you just want to let it happen naturally.
You may also want to give some thought to how you will handle the announcement of your next child, should you decide to get pregnant again. Announcements are typically done after the first trimester, but your hesitation and nervousness may make you cautious. Take your time, and make this decision in a way that makes you feel most comfortable.
Your next pregnancy will be different
Undoubtedly, if and when you conceive and become pregnant again, know that it will be a different experience. Immediately, you will think about your lost child and what could have been. You may think about the extra precautions you want to take this time around, if any. You may also feel a sense of nervousness and cautiousness with the threat of another miscarriage lingering in the back of your mind.
This is all normal and something that I also felt. You are not alone. Finding peace in the newness of this experience, finding comfort in family and friends, and keeping excitement about your impending arrival will be amazing distractions.
