I remember the first time I talked to a divorce attorney about splitting custody. At that time, I handled at least 95 percent of the parenting, and quite frankly, I was concerned how well my partner would do with that side of things.
My attorney said, “You’d be surprised….”
“... sometimes fathers become more involved after a divorce. You might like the break.”
The divorce decree settled how we split the house, the money, the cars, the furniture, even my jewelry. And it states our custody situation, which is pretty rare (at least in California) because my ex agreed to an 80-20 split, again based on how much more parenting I did pre-divorce.
But 80% is still significantly less than 95%, so it seems my attorney was right about getting a break.
I miss my daughter when she’s not there, but it does mean that some weekends I can go hiking for the day or out with girlfriends at night — or just Netflix & chill — without needing a babysitter.
And I don’t have to clean up after him all the time or do his laundry, so I’m saving oodles of time and energy there.
So, why don’t I feel like I’ve caught a break? Why do I feel so tired all the time?
I think it’s because my brain never stops.
Even though someone else is now driving my daughter to her troop meeting once in a while, I’m the one texting to remind her to wear her uniform.
Even if my ex picks her up from swim practice one night, I’m the one who chose the swim class and talks to the coach about what level she should be in… I set up the autopayment, bought the kickboard, and makes sure she remembers her goggles.
My ex’s girlfriend will make sure my daughter takes her supplements when she spends the night there. But I’m the one who researched each supplement and who worries about whether each one is working or whether we should try something different.
And more.
The invisible load is just that — invisible. It’s unquantifiable
I can’t possibly list all the things that take up room in my brain when it comes to parenting. I just know they’re not taking up the same room in his brain.
Whether you’re married or divorced, if you’re the parent who’s always taken on this load, then you know what I’m talking about.
And honestly, I can’t begin to imagine how that stuff would be divided evenly.
But I think it would be worth a try
What if, after the "List of Assets and Debts" on the divorce papers, there were a "List of Parenting Concerns?"
- I’ll take education.
- You take sports.
- I’ll take mental wellness.
- You take creative pursuits.
- I’ll take social interactions.
- You take changing bedtime routines.
And to be clear, I think it would take more work on my end to remind myself NOT to spend time worrying about the things on his list than it would for him to add these things to his load.
It’s easy for me to spend my time spiraling about how to curtail screen time without taking away my daughter’s passion for graphic design. It comes naturally, and it’s more in my comfort zone than spending mental energy on how to grow my career or invest in myself.
But if I want my daughter to grow up to be in an equal partnership of some kind, and for her to have the freedom to focus more mental energy on her own career and self-empowerment, then I have to be willing to share the load.
